Of Nobodies and Emotions
by Ungerade Kugel
Summary: Nobodies don't have hearts. Zexion knew this. Nobodies didn't feel emotion. Zexion knew this. So why did it hurt? Axel/Zexion K for small use of language.
1. Why Can't I?

**Of Nobodies and Emotions;  
**A FanFiction by Ungerade Kugel

_"Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you?  
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you?"  
- _Liz Phair, _'Why can't I?'_

Zexion knew that Nobodies couldn't feel. Knew that they didn't have hearts. Knew that they were emotionless shells of what was once a human being.

So why, _why_, when Xion escaped and Axel would sigh, stand and 'port off, did he feel jealousy? Why, when Roxas went to leave, and Axel said that he'd miss him, that it hurt?

It was obvious. Zexion couldn't even _approach_ Axel without realising that if he even tried to start a conversation, the contemptuous sneer that never suited the redhead would appear on his face. Xion tried to escape, time and again, but Axel always brought her back. Roxas was a newbie, but Axel, a Nobody who couldn't feel, would miss him.

Zexion was the youngest of the six scientists. He thrived on logic, he worked hard, he was highly intelligent. So why, _why_ couldn't he even work up the courage to say sorry to Axel? He hadn't done anything - why _would_ you? - but Axel still hated him. He just needed to grow a pair and apologise. But he couldn't.

He'd just watched those few times he had the chance filter through his fingers.

So, instead, he worked harder. He became more intelligent. He read and read and _read_. Anything to take away the cold, cruel hand that was crushing the void where his heart should've been. He became more reclusive, going out only for missions and reports for Superior.

Everyone knew why, too. The scientists figured it out pretty quickly, considering his behaviour changed when number VIII arrived. Saïx knew too. Larxene knew, she was a _girl_, she picked these things up. Same with Namine. Marluxia was so girly he might as well have counted. Luxlord was intelligent, sort of, he got it soon enough. Even _Demyx_ knew, so it must've been obvious.

Everyone but the Flurry of the Dancing Flames himself. The stupid, annoying, irritating, vulgar, _charming_, _funny_, _gorgeous_, _intriguing _man. And, as hard as it was, the fact that a tiny, minuscule sliver of hope still lived made the non-heartache so, _so_ much worse.

--

In his hands was the latest report to Xemnas. It was late at night, the only people up would be him and the Superior himself. Zexion bit down slightly on his tongue, looking out onto the heart-shaped moon that was Kingdom Hearts. Somewhere in there, his heart was beating madly, giving him this much grief even though it was no longer attached. _If this is the heartache muted,_ Zexion pondered, _is it really worth having my heart back?_ A long, gusty sigh sifted through his lips, before the usual apathetic mask came back in place. A moment too late, it seemed, as a voice spoke up from behind him.

"You miss it too?" The older man asked, and Zexion froze. _No, no, nononononono!_ He bit down on his tongue again, slowly turning towards the other, and, almost instantly, wished he hadn't. The redhead stood there, leaning against a pillar, staring out a window. The moonlight washed over his body, showing the lean, non-covered chest muscles perfectly. It was almost as if Fate was taunting the younger, slate-haired one, showing him everything he wanted but couldn't have. Without his mind conjuring the words, his mouth began to speak, much to his dismay.

"Yes, I do. It's… hard, not being able to feel." Though the apathetic mask was still in place, Zexion almost winced at his own words. What a horrible, horrible lie. What he wouldn't give to get rid of this heartache. Axel smiled slightly at his words, almost as if he had not expected a response - though why _would_ he be ignored? - and nodded slightly, before turning to catch Zexion's eyes full on.

"Why have you been staying in your room so long?" He asked, and, if it were anyone else, Zexion would've said there was a touch of concern in his voice. But this was Axel, who was only asking to sate his own curiosity. The shorter froze for a second, before smoothly shrugging, desperate to turn away from the glowing green eyes, but unable to. He could've sworn he saw Axel frown at this, but it was gone a second later. "Everyone's been worried about you." His lips pursed. Zexion looked away.

_Everyone except for you._ He thought, before hearing a little noise. A haughty scoff, almost. He turned towards Axel, who's face was one of shock. "And why wouldn't _I_ be worried?" Axel all but spat, his expression going from shock to one of confusion, anger - _hurt?_ - and Zexion looked at him confused, before coming to the conclusion that he must've spoken his thoughts aloud. His face coloured deeply, his eyes turned to the tiled flooring.

"I didn't mean to say that aloud." He murmured, loud enough for the taller to hear. He looked at the report in his hands, hoping that maybe, _maybe_, he could use it as an escape route. However, Fate did hate him something awful, and footsteps came towards him. _Fuck, fuck_... The feet stopped about three yards in front of him.

"Why wouldn't I be worried?" The redhead repeated, though there was no almost-anger in his voice, just curiosity. _Because I'm younger than you. Because I'll never be good enough. Because you'll always follow after those two traitors, but never me. Because I'm a child. Because I'm ME!_ The younger screamed inside his own head, but only shrugged on the outside.

"You've never cared before." He stated bluntly, listening as a sharp intake of breath, from Axel, weirdly, almost echoed at its loudness.

"Is that right?" The taller murmured, almost breathily. Zexion nodded, though it was obvious the question was rhetorical. He glanced up for a second, wondering why the other was so quiet. Axel was staring out one of the windows again, his cheeks hollow, as if he were biting on the inside of them. Only a second later had he turned his back to Zexion and started walking away, right hand waving slightly. "Whatever, Zex."

The shorter glanced at the redhead, dying to call him back, apologise for his actions, _anything_, but he froze, and the other man eventually drifted off down one of the many corridors in the castle. He bit down on his tongue, once again, before turning and walking to the Superiors' office. He would have to be more careful now. He would only come out when Axel was out on a mission, or just back from one. It hurt too much to talk to him, and to know he could never have what he truly wanted.

_Stupid, stupid heart._


	2. For You I Will

_"Do I seem familiar?  
I've crossed you in hallways a million times."  
_- Teddy Geiger, _'For you I will (Confidence)'_

It was a month until they met again. Zexion had all but collapsed on the kitchen table, doing strenuous experiments, one after the other, for three days straight. Vexen had found him almost asleep, trying to mix two highly unstable chemicals together. After the apparatus had been near-ripped from his fingers, and several death threats issued 'if I see so much as one of your hairs in this lab for another twenty four hours!', he had trudged upstairs and attempted to make himself a coffee, but fell asleep in his seat before the kettle had even boiled.

Next thing he knew, he was being shaken awake, the smell of strong coffee slowly helping him wake up. He mumbled incoherent sentences, unintelligible to even himself, gently prying his face off the kitchen table it had so lovingly become attached to. He caught a flash of red before the strong smelling coffee that had so helpfully torn him from his slumber was placed in front of him. Without hesitation, he carefully grabbed the hot liquid, taking sip after searing hot sip.

"I could've drugged that, you know." The familiar voice opposite said, casually, as if it were an everyday thing, suggesting to drug a co-worker. Zexion froze at the voice, forcing himself to swallow the liquid in his mouth, instead of spitting it out in surprise. Looking at the older, he noticed that the usually spiky red hair was wet, pooling around the other's thin shoulders. A sandwich lay on a plate in front of him - tuna and mayo if his nose did not fail him - untouched. Axel noticed his semi-confused gaze, and shrugged, smiling. "Just got back from Atlantica. I always crave fish when I leave." Zexion chuckled at this, the image of Axel in fish form and the fact he was surrounded by fish and wished to eat them.

"I suppose you looked like the Princess herself." The younger quipped, the coffee quickly bringing back his brain and his sarcastic remarks. What amazed him, however, was the fact that he was able to maintain this façade around Axel, too. The redhead in question smirked at the comment.

"Going indecent, don't you know it." He replied with ease, grabbing the sandwich and taking a bite, happily munching as if he hadn't eaten in days. Considering the food on Atlantica, this was probably correct. The smaller sipped at his coffee, the silence comforting as it swept around the kitchenette. Then, of course, Axel ruined it by speaking. "What'd ya do to make yourself fall asleep at the table?" He asked, and Zexion shrugged whilst swallowing.

"Did experiments on Dusks." He answered, and saw the other raise an eyebrow. The slate-haired one found himself wanting to shrug again, but ignored it. "For three days." Sea-foam eyes widened at this, and Axel quickly finished whatever huge bite was in his mouth.

"Non-stop?" He asked, voice accented with disbelief and shock. Zexion shrugged, almost subconsciously, grimacing as he did so.

"Someone has to do it." Axel rolled his eyes and shook his head at this, before giving the shorter a look that clearly said '_Someone older, yeah_'. The redhead quickly finished his sandwich, before taking the still half-full cup of coffee out of the younger's hands. He got an indignant yelp as a reply. Pouring what was left down the sink, he turned to the boy, only to see him glaring.

"I was drinking that." The teen seethed, causing Axel to grin in reply.

"I know you were, kiddo, but it's time for beddie-byes now." Zexion's eyes narrowed at this, glaring whole-heartedly at the redhead, bottom lip jutting out only to the tiniest degree.

"I am not a kid." He growled, and got a sarcastic smile in return.

"'Course you're not, Zexy." Zexion sat there for a moment, before realising that, quite possibly, that was the most serious response he was going to get. He stood and walked over to the taller. A wide smirk settled on the redhead's face. "Good boy. Off to bed now." Zexion ignored the mockery, settling for ignoring the redhead completely and attempting to walk out the room gracefully. This would have worked, if it were not for the fact that the boy was still half-asleep, and stumbled slightly on the hem of his cloak, causing him to fall to the floor. His pride was not helped by the fact that he could hear Axel holding back laughter.

"Need a hand?" The older managed to squeeze out, between suppressed laughter, unknowingly making Zexion's cheeks glow a pale pink.

"No, thank you." The shorter ground out, if only for the sake of manners, before swiftly walking out of the room and to his quarters. In his mind, however, he was not mad at all. _Axel cares about me, at least in the slightest._ He grimaced at the sound of Axel's giggles down the hall. _Even if I'm just a little kid who's amusing to watch_.

--

Zexion became less reclusive after that day. He went out more often, reading in the library, sometimes even eating with the rest of the organisation. He hadn't realised how much he missed watching Xigbar play tricks on Marluxia, Xaldin and Demyx from the ceiling, or listen to Larxene bitch about nothing and everything. It felt like home again. Granted, he still carefully avoided Axel; leaving the library to do 'research' when the redhead entered, dismissing himself when he was almost finished eating in the kitchenette. But it was nice, peaceful.

That is, of course, until Xemnas realised he needed an extensive amount of planning and strategies for one mission, and an extensive amount of firepower on top of that.

Who better to call upon than Zexion and Axel?

Zexion was not pleased. He knew, just _knew_ that this wasn't going to go well. It never did, not with Axel. He could only hope that Larxene and Namine hadn't caught wind of this.

There would be plotting.

_Damn you Superior!_


End file.
